Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
