if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
