I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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