We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
