i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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