i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
