My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize