The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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