things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
