I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
