so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
