It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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