Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
