I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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