just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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