so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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