My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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