On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
