Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
