Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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