Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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