Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
