Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
