Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
