Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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