I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I touched a dick in church today
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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