I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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