Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
