This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hippo gnu deer
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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