He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
