I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
