Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
