She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
