She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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