yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize