dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
