Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
