It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
