Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
