Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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