my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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