Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
