What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
