he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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