i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
