Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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