took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
