just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
