you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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