those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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