If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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