allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
