Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize